I wish this was a joke...

I bought a swimming suit today.....for the first time since I've had my daughter. 4 whole long years. It's a size _______ . (I'm not ready to tell you what size I am). The same size that most of my non-junior size clothes are. And in some places....it was too small  =(. Wanna talk about being discouraged? Because I'm way up there.

I have a problem with my body. Not gonna lie. I know it's my own fault and I need to change my ways and there are no excuses. It's just not that easy. For all of you who are scoffing "Oh, this bitch needs to get over it and just do it.", well fuck you.

See, I have a terrible body image of myself. I see a different person when I look in the mirror. Everybody says that I'm not that big, but it sure does feel like it. I look 5 months pregnant in my head. I know that I have huge boobs so nobody really sees how flabby I am, but I do. And I feel gross. I think about how my stomach looks all day, everyday. It's always in my mind...most of the time the front, but sometimes in the back. But I still know it's there.

Ok, don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with being bigger if you're comfortable in your own skin. I think it's wonderful when women can be proud of being a size that society considers "plus-size". However, I can't get behind that for myself. Please don't think that I think every woman needs to be a size 4. I don't feel that way AT ALL.

I don't like healthy foods. I know I should suck it up and eat them anyway...but who wants to eat something they really don't like?? I can't stand lettuce. The texture, taste, smell, and everything about it is just disgusting. And texture is a big thing for me so I'm not a fan of a lot of veggies or fruits. So I have to try portion control. It's not the easiest. Nobody likes to be hungry...and portion control can leave you feeling that way until you get used to it. And exercise....I LOVE LOVE LOVE exercising. But for some reason, I just can't get myself motivated to do it.

I always look at the size of other women. And I always compare myself. More often than not, I'm feeling "Ugh, I wanna be tiny like her." It's not on purpose, it's just what I do. And it's not just once a day. It's all day. Every where I go.

I don't really know why I wrote this post. But I feel better admitting it. I need to make myself feel better. I know I do. I just wish that there was an easier way. I could do lipo....hahaha kidding! But sometimes I think about it ;).

So yeah. I'm not going to ask you what I should do. I know what I need to do. And I'm definitely not looking for "oh, your fine and cute and stuff" compliments. Thank you, but no thank you. Encouragement is welcomed though! lol.