Tuesday, November 25, 2014

My Thoughts

I don't normally post about current events or anything that can be deemed political. I was brought up to know that politics aren't something you talk about with other people all that much. If my post offends you, I don't really mean for it to. Hopefully we can all agree to disagree. However, it's my blog and I want to talk about the matter at hand.

I live in Missouri, although I'm about 4 hours away from St. Louis. At least that's how far away I think it is. I'm not really good with those kinds of things.

I don't pay a lot of attention to the news, because most of the time it just breaks my heart.

You all know that my home state has been in the news a lot lately. You all know that last night the grand jury decided that the evidence they were garnished and the accounts that they heard, for 70 hours, made them decide to not indict Officer Wilson on any charges.

I agree with what they decided. That's neither here nor there.

What I really want to talk about is the unrest that is going on.

 I don't understand why people feel that they need to loot the town of Ferguson. What good does this do? Burning down buildings, stealing things from businesses, that is no way to remember a young man who was laid to rest.

I feel that which ever way the verdict was going to go, would cause this chaoticness (not a word but my blog). That in itself is a very unfortunate view to have.

What bugs me the most about this whole thing, is that the media has played it out to be about race. This wasn't about race. Playing the race card here should not matter. Every story I've read has said "a black man was shot by a white officer". Fair journalism should read "a man was shot by an officer". The media needs to get their heads out of their asses and get away from this situation. They are only making the looting and destroying of the town worse. It's like they're the big brother who has to antagonize his little brother just for fun. They have to see what they're doing, and until they stop, the violence in Ferguson will continue.

I work with a girl who's in the Missouri National Guard. She got pulled away from her life on this holiday week to deal with the madness that is going on. I know she signed up for the Guard knowing full and well what in entailed, but my heart still goes out to her and the family she's left behind. Her significant other also works with us. Her heart is shattered. She's scared for her girlfriend. As long as the media keeps this story floating, the longer she'll be there.

The looters see the attention they are receiving, which is what they want. They say it's in "justice" for Michael Brown. How do they tell themselves that? Especially when Mr. Brown's parents said that they don't want people destroying their community. Peaceful protests are fine, rioting protests aren't.

Let's all just agree on one thing, this country does have a long way to go. One day, maybe there will be peace, one day maybe racism will be a trivial thing of the past, one day maybe we all can come together. Until then, I leave my thoughts too the Brown and Wilson families. Because if I know one thing to be true about this, neither of them wanted what has happened or what is currently happening, to be something that's happening at all.

Monday, November 24, 2014

A Major Question

Sometimes, I wonder if I"m the mom who's fucking up more than the others. Wednesday was one of those days.

I had decided to make a pot roast in my crockpot for dinner. I pumped myself up about it quite a bit. Not to mention, it was kind of expensive. Geez, I don't eat much beef and therefore, didn't know how much money I would be shelling out for a roast! So I started cooking in the morning and went about my day like normal. Except the smell wafting through my house was great and I kept peeking at the roast. Teagan came home and it was getting to be dinner time. I checked the roast while Teagan was outside playing, and lo and behold, something wasn't right with it. I was pissed. I wasted all day, some extra money I had, and didn't have anything to show for it. I said something to my mom and she told me to calm down, which in turn made me more upset and off to my room I went, crying and feeling sorry for myself. A few minutes later, in comes my little girl. She sits down on my bed and starts to rub my back. And she says the wisest, most mom like thing to me. " It's not ruined mama. My teacher always says that nothing is ruined if you try your hardest. You need to at least try it." And my jaw fell to the floor.

In that moment, I wondered, who was the mom in this situation? Me, the 23 year old, emotional, hot mess, or the sweet 6 year old sitting beside me on the bed? Had I messed up that bad, that my daughter knows that I've prone to tantrums when I've messed up? Is this something my child should even be seeing? I tore myself down for a few minutes. And then pretended that all was well. For her sake. I don't feel like she should see me that way. That's how society makes us feel. That we need to hold it together all the time for everybody else around us. We need to take care of everyone else, and not worry about ourselves. I sat and asked myself all these questions, with answers that made me sound like the worst parent in the history of parenthood.

And that's when I realized, I've been doing a pretty good damn job of helping this little girl grow up. She came to make me feel better when she knew I was upset. She came to encourage me, when I didn't think that I could continue on. I realized that I was the one that helped her learn to do this. I've always told her that she shouldn't be afraid to help people and to be nice to them. I've made it a great point in her little life. I taught her that she should act how she would want others to treat her. All these positive traits she was showing to me, was just the kick in the ass I needed to quit wallowing in my not entirely perfect dinner. It was still edible. Just not how I thought it should be.

And as for my daughter, knowing and seeing that I got upset about something trivial, well that's not the worst thing that could happen. Yea, I don't want it to happen a lot, but she needs to know that sometimes a good cry and a back rub from somebody you love, can help you out immensely. It can make you feel a thousand times better than before. I'm showing her that it's ok to feel passionately about something. Whether that something be dinner or the injustice she sees in the world. Just feel passion.

I'd say, I'm doing this right. For now anyway.