Thursday, July 19, 2012

Bitter/Sweet

My cheese ball

I told you guys that I have shared custody of my child. Beyond that....you don't know much else.

My baby has spent her 4 entire years on this planet with me or people that I choose her to be with. In those years, this wasn't her dad very often. Not on my part, but his. Now, I'm not talking trash, nor am I going to. If I was, this post would be a lot longer.

The agreement that we came to (with the help of our attorneys of course) was every other weekend and a certain night of the week would be his time. And during the summer she would live with him for a week and with me for a week.


I look terrible...I know.
Let me tell you how hard it is. I never spent a week away from her. EVER. And then last week she had to go. I told you it was bittersweet and it truly is. I hate that for a week, she isn't around me. I hate not knowing what is going on and how she is. Of course I can always call, but that doesn't give my momma brain a piece of mind. That gives my heart some reassurance but not my brain. A week without seeing her hurts. I'm lonely during that week. I play it off like I'm not, but if you look at my camera on my phone you could tell. I spent last week taking 35903595348 pictures of my dog. I don't have anybody to play with, laugh at, or just to get on my nerves. And it sucks.

But yeah, it's kind of nice. I'm young and while she's away...mommy may play. Now don't go thinking I get all crazy and pull out the shortest dresses I own and skank it up at my local sleaze bar. I'm not that kind of parent. lol. But I sleep in, I eat what I want when I want to, I watch adult television and say saynora to nickelodeon and Disney for a week. And it feels great. I do what I want when I want to.

But I still miss her soooo bad. I'd give anything to have her at home. I'd watch a million Dora's if it meant that she could hang out with me. A week isn't very long. But it is when your heart hurts and you miss somebody.

Mother's Day 2012


When she comes home, she isn't herself. It takes her a couple days to get back to Teagan. She's never quiet and she hates to listen, but she does those things when she comes back. It takes most of the week to get the old Teagan back. And then in a blink of my eyes she's gone again. Plus, during that week we have so many people she needs to see. Because it's true that it takes a village to raise a child. And of course my village has missed her too. And now I'm working so time won't be spent how I want it to.

As I've gotten older I've started to not care for Summer. Now, I really don't like it. Each day the sun is up longer....and it reminds me of the time that she won't be around. I won't be looking forward to Summer anymore. My heart goes away during this time of the year. I look forward to Fall when we spend more time together and I don't have to give her away every other week.

I know it's good for her to see him. I just don't think it's healthy for anyone to live at a house at a week at a time though. Can you imagine how much that sucks? I know I wouldn't like it. I know she doesn't like it. She does love her daddy though. I know that she is happy over there, but I don't believe she is happy with the situation.

There's so much more I could tell you...but this seems all for now. Such a serious post for the almost end of our week. But, she leaves me again today. And so for now it's all on my mind.

1 comment:

Shaylynn... I blahwg It's True. said...

Ugh, I'm mindful of your suffering.

Thank goodness it's temporary.