Loss

What a week. I hadn't planned on taking a week off but sometimes life sweeps us off our feet. And that's what it did to me last week. Unfortunately it wasn't in a good way.

My best friend (aka my wife) was 24 weeks along when unexpectedly, her baby boy had passed away. IT all started like a normal week and Tuesday I got the news. I did my errands and got over to the hospital to be with her as she needed a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on. I spent all day at the hospital and I was worn out.

I had managed to hold it together for her sake, but when I got to my car and drove home I lost it. I cried lots and lots of tears. I cried because I was so excited to meet my nephew, because I just don't understand why God takes little ones, but most of all, I cried for my best friend. I cried because my heart hurt for her. I didn't feel like I should have been crying but I couldn't stop.

The rest of the week was spent working and checking in at the hospital to make sure she didn't need even the smallest little thing. And it wasn't spent in a good mood. After the initial shock wore off, I was mad. Mad that other people could have babies but she couldn't. Mad that I wouldn't get to watch this little guy grow up. Mad that her heart hurt. Every time I saw a baby I would just get this jealous rage feeling in my heart.

I was mad at God most of all. I know I don't talk about religion very often. I don't even know what I believe. I just say God because I mean, that's what I know most. I was mad at this Supreme being. I was more than mad. I was enraged for an entire week. I moped around everywhere, I didn't want to be at work. I cried more times than I can count. I didn't sleep good but I slept hard. I passed out every night last week not even remembering what happened as I laid down.

I was grieving. And it wasn't in a good way. I don't even know if there is a good way to grieve. Grief is a mean mother fucker. It sucks your soul dry until it can't suck anymore. Then it sits in your heart making you feel like life is over.

After my grief, came acceptance. We laid the sweet boy to rest today. It was hard and I cried a little. Again, I lost it when I got to the car. It was a good service. Things that the pastor were saying made a lot of sense. Even if we don't like what happened, it happened for a reason. I guess. I don't really know. Sarah posted something on fb today. In it she stated that she wasn't mad at God. (side note, she is a christian so yes, no question on God for her) She said that she was mad at herself. At her body. Mad that she couldn't change things. And that's when I stopped being mad. I realized that if she wouldn't/couldn't be mad at her god, then I shouldn't be either. I realized that my best friend needed me more than she would ever say because she was mad at herself.

So came the acceptance. My heart still hurts and it will; but now it's time for me to help heal my friend. I text her immediately and explained there wasn't anything she could have done or not done. I told her not to be mad at herself. So now, I'll push my grief to the back and focus on doing anything this person I love needs me to do for her. I guess that's all I really can do.