"I'm going to have six other people with me."
They say this when I greet them at their table. No shit, really? I thought that all these extra menus were for you because you have schizophrenia and your different personalities want their own menu. I'm working, not blind or stupid. Save your breath. I got this.
"...no we're going to have 100 people."
This is the answer the hosts get sometimes when they ask people how many there's going to be tonight. Listen, we get that there are only two of you standing in front of us. And yes, we figure it's only going to be you two but we are required to ask. Some people have people join them and if we didn't ask we'd never know. Don't be a smart ass about it. It's redundant to us. Imagine repeating yourself every time you saw a person walk in the door, wouldn't you want to stab your eyeballs out? Please just appease us.
"With bread sticks too."
Again, no fucking shit. This applies to OG mainly, I get that. We know you want bread. That's probably 74% of the reason you came in today. Please don't tell me how to do my job. You'll get your bread. Your 180 calorie per piece bread.
"Do you think that this portion was worth x amount of dollars that I spent on it?"
I've had this conversation, not once, but twice in two weeks. It's embarrassing to put any server in that situation. Listen, some stuff at OG might be overpriced. And I'm sorry you feel that way. However, don't ask me for my opinion. I know better than to say what I think. I need this job and I'm not going to agree with you that your food wasn't quality enough for what you're paying. That could be my job. I had one guy who argued with me about whether or not I had an opinion about it. Like, guy, I'm not going to agree with you so you can go tell my boss and then I get fired. He wouldn't shut his mouth until his wife told him that I really wasn't going to give him my thoughts on the matter. I don't make the rules, I just work here. It's not called "Chloe's Garden." If you don't like what you're paying for the portion you're getting, then tell my manager. Please for the love of all things sparkly, don't ask me!
"We're going to be here for awhile! We haven't seen each other in ages!"
Awesome! You're going to sit at my table - of which I only get three of at a time - for the next 3 hours and only tip me what you would regularly tip if you were only going to be here for a normal length. GREAT! I can't wait to get one less table because you can't catch up at your house. I understand that you want to have a nice visit, but an hour and half max is what a nice visit should be. For every hour you're at my table, I'm losing money. I know this isn't your fault that the company I work for has some odd rules, but hey, work with me here. I'll give you an hour and a half of good service. After that mark, it declines. So please take your lady talk and have it at your house afterwards.
What stupid things do people say, that drive you to drink, at work?