Tuesday, October 2, 2012

An Honest Raw Post

I've pushed this post off for two weeks now. I really need  to write it. It's going to be cathartic but really hard. If I could just get it out of my head and onto here I would probably feel better.

I've talked about cancer on here before, this post is it. And I've mentioned it a few times in passing. Well, this post is going to be more about it. You see, it's just not that easy though.

Sometime early this year or late last year I took the wife to the er because she had a terribly high temperature, and all around seemed drunk but she wasn't. I don't remember what the er said but we went on our way. I was worried then but I felt better after that visit. Well after that, they just kept happening. See that's when I knew something was wrong. But she wouldn't tell me what. One day on our lunch break, she said she needed to tell me something. She told me that she had lung cancer. And I was the only person she had told. What a weight to bear. I was devestated but refused to cry in front of her. On my way home I bawled like a baby though. I could get into all the details about it but I don't want to. They aren't what's important about this post. We'll get to the important part later.

Then, I wrote the post above because I had found out that my auntie has breast cancer. Again, I was devestated. I spent the next few days pissed off at the world and curled up in a little ball crying or sleeping. We talked about it a little bit but not very much. In fact my grandma had asked her why I hadn't talked to her about it yet.

That's my point here. I didn't internalize it until two weeks ago. I didn't realize that this was real and they could both leave me at any time. I was on my way to work talking to my grandma on the phone when we started to talk about Maple Leaf (the fall festival we have around here). I told her I was off for the whole weekend and she was excited because that meant Tea, Auntie, and I could spend the weekend together. Then she said something I really haven't thought of. My aunt and her were talking and she had told my grandma that she had to come home for Maple Leaf because her and Teag have a tradition to go together every year...and next year she may not be able to do that.

It had never really sunken in that the two people closest to me could be taken from me at anytime. I realized they could lose their hard battles, but I didn't really let it sink in. And that day I finally let it.
I'm so scared of that. I love those two people more than I love myself. If they were gone I don't know what I would do. And I don't really want to talk about it because I don't want to be upset. I don't know if that makes me a brat or if that's normal. I haven't really talked about it with either of them. How do you say to somebody "Oh, if you die I'll miss you so much and I'll never get over it and I don't know how to live without you."? That's just morbid.

Another thing, I don't deal with death of those close to me very well. I still get drunk and cry about Chelsey. I still think of her in every way and miss her like crazy. The 27th of September marked 9 months that she had been gone.

And last week's depression was set off by the whole conversation with my grandma two weeks ago. I had let it sit and marinate in my head for so long without talking about it. I began to feel bogged down and cloudy and so sad. I still don't want to talk about it but I can't feel depressed forever. I just don't know what words to say. Except what will I do and I'll miss them. Why can't anything else just come out of my brain besides that. The only thing that seems appropriate is to keep it in mind and just talk to myself about it. Sometimes I feel that I got shit on by the higher powers that be. And most of the time I feel like my lovely ladies definitely got shit on. They both have so much that they're dealing with on top of this tretorous disease and I don't understand why them. And they aren't just dealing with everyday life stuff...it's huge things that move mountains and could hurt anybody. It's not my place to put it out there...but then again neither was this whole post. Maybe that's why I don't talk about it. It's not mine to talk about??? I don't really know. I just know that this sucks. It sucks for them, it sucks for me, it sucks for friends, family...it just sucks.

That's a genuine smile. I love that girl.
Auntie =) She planned my whole 21rst bday party for me. Love her more than words
could ever explain.


Cami said...

Oh Chloe. I have no words for you. My heart aches for you. All I can do is send some positive thoughts & prayers your way for strength to deal with this and comfort. I pray for healing, too. oxoox

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry Chloe. It's something so hard to go through and I wouldn't wish it on any one. My thought is this - it's infinitely harder on them and if talking to them about it, or just talking to them, could offer one minute of comfort, you should do it. It might not make you feel better, but it might be comforting to know you were there for them when they really needed you. Too many people sadly lose friends and family at a time like that, simply because people just don't know what to say or how to act. It's always easier to ignore it, but not always the best.