This shit is about to get real. I'm about to prove how life isn't all puppies and rainbows over here. I know every blogger wants to seem positive but sometimes we just can't be. And I'm here to prove it.
I wasn't sure when I was going to post this post, but after the shit I experienced yesterday I decided it's time. And after great bloggers like Jordan and Whitney talked about their issues, I can too. I helped Jordan out with my story and I'm thinking maybe I can help others if they hear it.
What's my big secret?? I have depression and I take anti-depressants. Yep, it's true. There's no shame in my game anymore. I choose not to say that I "suffer" from depression because I've chosen to get help so that I don't have to suffer anymore.
I used to cry. All the time. About everything. It took barely anything to get my tears to start and once I started I couldn't stop. One thing would trigger it and then 10 minutes later I'd still be crying. But in that 10 minutes I was crying over 86546 different things. Than 10 minutes later...I'd still be crying. You get the picture. It was so terrible. I'd feel like a failure 99 percent of the time. If I wasn't crying, I was mad or grumpy. Nothing would ever seem right to me.I was always tired. I mean all the time. I would drop my little off at school and sleep until it was time to pick her up. I would mope for days. And then out of the blue I would have really great days. I mean like wonderful wonderful nothing could go wrong days. I was so confused. I thought maybe that I was just tired or stressed out. That nothing was really wrong and I'd be fine after this birthday, that holiday, I got my homework done...etc. And this is pretty much what was going through my mind all the time:
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| there was no cutting going on though. Ignore that one. |
And my momma heart hurt so bad. So bad. I felt like I was failing my daughter. I was so tired of crying around her. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I felt like a terrible momma. And it wasn't fair to her or me. But I didn't realize/want to do anything about it.
That was my problem. As I said earlier, I'd start to feel better. And I didn't want to be 21 and dependent on a pill for happiness. I just wanted to be happy like everybody else seemed to be. This had been going on for awhile. Not just a couple of months. I'd been feeling this way for years. Do you know how hard it is to feel this way for a day? Let alone a year.
Then finally sometime in late October or early November, I changed my mind. I was done being sad. Done crying in front of my little person. I wanted to feel normal. So, I scheduled myself a dr appointment. There was absolutely no judging done from him. I honestly thought that there would be. Remember, I thought everybody judged me. However, I don't feel that he got it enough. But that's for another day. He prescribed me some happiness in a bottle and I went on my way. I took it that night because I'm supposed to take it before bed time and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning refreshed. I still think that my mind was happy so I felt better. I don't believe a pill can work that fast. The placebo effect if you will. But since time has gone on, I really did start to feel better.
So what happened yesterday that made me want to write this post? Well, I'm kinda sorta lazy and I kinda sorta have an issue with keeping up with things. And I proceeded to quit taking my chemically formed happiness, (yes, I make jokes about it) for about 1-2 weeks. And that was the worst decision I have ever made. I've been crabby since Friday but just thought it was the demon getting ready to start. But then Sunday, I lost it. I woke up at 8 and cried until 12. 4 hours of sobbing. Over everything. And that's when I realized that I need to get my shit together and take my damn pill. And that night I took it. Like I will until April when the crazy man wants to take me off this shiz. When I went for my one-month check in, he was like we'll ween you off come day-light savings (end or beginning, I don't know which occurs in April) and I had a mini panic attack. I didn't tell him at that time but I plan on it.
Are there side-effects? I believe there are. Do they out-weigh being sad/mad/angry/hurt/negative all the time? Yeah, some of them do. For some reason when I'm on it I wake up every morning at 3 and stay up for an hour. Weird, I know. But I'll take it. The one thing I'll pay more attention to this time is my emotions. As I was freaking out yesterday I felt like I hadn't cried since I got them. I don't want to be that way. I know I'm a crier and I want to be one still. I'm wondering if I'm living in an emotionless fog and I plan on keeping track of it. Because dammit, I miss crying sometimes. lol. It's my ultimate stress reliever.
Basically what I'm saying is...Don't be afraid to admit something's wrong. If you think you're suffering, you probably are. And there's no shame in getting help. If you wanna talk, I'm here. If you don't want to leave a comment for everybody to read then email me. clovermarie214@gmail.com I'll respond. I'll listen or talk or give advice. Whatever you want. But PLEASE don't suffer in silence anymore. It's not worth it. And you can feel better. Promise.
3 comments:
I am so proud of you for writing this post! I really hope someone reads this and at the very least finds comfort in knowing they aren't alone. You're awesome Chloe!
It is NOTHING to be ashamed of. Everyone has their demons and for some they need a chemical fix (fix as in there's something chemically wrong making them sad/depressed all the time) and others need therapy-no one needs to feel ashamed of what they need.
*hugs* You make you better, and your daughter will learn that it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, and it's ok to need help. That's healthy.
I love this post. I love how honest you are. Sometimes it's hard to find honesty like this in the blog world. There needs to be more bloggers like you!
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