Monday, July 15, 2013

People of Olive Garden

I love my job most days. If not, I would have left by now. I think that one of the best things about it are the people that come in. Seriously, I die at least once a day. So today, I'll let you pretend that you're an OG employee and you can meet some of the people of Olive Garden. 

1. Unlimited Salad/Soup and Bread Eater
Yes, everybody knows we have unlimited salad. But this person/group likes to take it to the extreme. I'm talking 4 refills of salad within the first 15 minutes. People love the word unlimited, and they make sure they get their money's worth. I'm all "Hello dude slow the fuck down, I have other tables to check on and I can't make a salad every 5 minutes for you.!" They'll order another bowl as soon as you bring the prior one out. I'm like "Bitch, eat the one you have in front of you and then we'll see!"

2. The "I've never been to an Olive Garden before" Person
It's our job to make sure the person orders the best shiz off the menu and we give the most perfect service we've ever given in our lives. They wear you out. Making sure they're happy, they like what they have, and that you can get their business again. When really you just want to say "You're not missing much, drive down the road, they have much better Italian food at XYZ." NO, just me? Ooops. 

3. It's Girl's Night Girls
There are two groups of these. And both make me want to stab my eyeballs with a fork and go die a slow death in the freezer. The first group or should we say...the skanks. Yes, the skanks. They come in dressed in their best club attire with their panties showing and their heads held high. They want to pregame and you're here to help them out. Most of the time, one or all can't walk in their heels so watching them leave is totally worth the little tip you get, if you get one. The second group is the mom group. "WOOO, WE'RE KIDLESS TONIGHT!! Pour us all the free samples of wine we can have let's get CARAAAZZZZAYYYY." You pour them their 3 free samples (enough to get a good buzz if you have a good server) and then they never order another drink. Just diet cokes and waters. Real crazy, let me tell you. 

Cute, but not Olive Garden cute. 
Maybe not even cute?

4. This is a First Class Establishment People
These people are sometimes my favorite. They come in all proper like and wait to get to their table. When their table is in a shitty spot, you know about it. When I'm hosting I let them pick their own table. They feel better about themselves when that happens. They get there and ever so eloquently place their cloth napkins right on their laps. They order a water with a lemon, of course, and the most expensive glass of wine you can buy. When you go up to their table for their order, they'll spout off about "Oh, there's no veal on this menu?" or "All of this food is just so regular, do you have something a little more upstanding?" Nope, sure don't. Welcome to a restaurant for middle class America. Would you like fettucine alfredo or chicken alfredo? 

5. Honey, put on your best sweats, we're going to the Olive Garden!!
Ahh yea, the people who come in dressed like they're going to bed. You try and not judge them, but you're already not expecting a tip. I mean, Billy Jo has a tattoo on his neck and his finest dirty holy jeans he can find. And Bobby Anne has her cleavage-baring-two-times-too-small t-shirt on with her nicest pajama pants. It's really funny when they get seated next to first class establishment people. Their hair is probably not brushed or washed. 

I died. This hasn't really happened but you get the idea.

6. Prom Kids
Next year, I'm taking a sabbatical from late March to the middle of May. As a host, it goes like this, you have a reservation for 30 kids. 15 show up. They don't bother to tell you that this is going to be it so you have to be sure to ask them. You go tear apart the table for 30 and just leave it for 15. Come back up front and get dirty teenager looks until they're seated. The boys look confused and the girls look bitchy. It's a wonderful time. As a server, it goes like this, you walk up already bummed because you can't sell booze. You get their drink orders. 14 order water and 1 boy orders a coke. And then gets the evil eye from his girl. You come back with their drinks and they're ready to order. On a good day about 4 of them order entrees, 3 are just going to have salad, and the other 7 aren't gonna eat. And they get the side eye. It's a good thing we grat parties of 8 or larger! Because these kids won't leave anything extra. God forbid they leave mom and dad's money to people who work for a living. 

But they do make you want to dress up again.

7. The Cool Table
This is my personal favorite. I've done all this complaining about these other people, but this table, this is the one that makes my night. They get me and I get them. I don't have to fake smile and I can acutally talk about whatever I want with these people. And I always get a decent tip out of it. Love the cool table. So please, try and be the cool table, you may get something free out of it. I know that I try and help out my cool tables. 

p.s. sorry there are no pictures. My internet quit working and


Erin said...

haha love it!! I worked in restaurants for years, and this is spot on.

Alex[andra] said...

I ate at the Olive Garden yesterday and I thought of you.

I'd like to say I feel in the cool people group. :D

Jordan said...

This just made me crave the parmasean crusted... whatever it is. I think steak. I don't know the real name of it. And the garlic bread....

It's only 10:20 am but I'm 100% positive I could eat a full serving right meow.

I hope we are considered the cool table. I can't really fall into any of the aforementioned groups so I think I'm safe!

Stephanie said...

Haha!! Oh the prom kids, I always feel for the servers when I see them. That's gotta just blow.
I'm always the cool table. Because I know what I want before I go some place, 98% of the time. So I tell the server that immediately followed by and 'that's it, bring the check whenever you want.' And they seem to realize they don't need to check on me. Win for everyone. No offense but I don't want to shoot the shit with you any more than you want to with me!

Chloee said...

Haha! that is so funny

i'd be the cool table to, obviously lol


Tiffanie A said...

HAHAHAH! You always make me laugh when I read your posts!

The Peanut Program said...

ok this is just too funny. i think i am going to safely categorize myself in the "cool table" people.

as a patron of olive garden, i cant STAND being seated by all the other obnoxious people! esp the teenagers or the moms who are kidless for the night.

p.s. free samples of wine?? what?!?!