An Honest Raw Post

I've pushed this post off for two weeks now. I really need  to write it. It's going to be cathartic but really hard. If I could just get it out of my head and onto here I would probably feel better.

I've talked about cancer on here before, this post is it. And I've mentioned it a few times in passing. Well, this post is going to be more about it. You see, it's just not that easy though.

Sometime early this year or late last year I took the wife to the er because she had a terribly high temperature, and all around seemed drunk but she wasn't. I don't remember what the er said but we went on our way. I was worried then but I felt better after that visit. Well after that, they just kept happening. See that's when I knew something was wrong. But she wouldn't tell me what. One day on our lunch break, she said she needed to tell me something. She told me that she had lung cancer. And I was the only person she had told. What a weight to bear. I was devestated but refused to cry in front of her. On my way home I bawled like a baby though. I could get into all the details about it but I don't want to. They aren't what's important about this post. We'll get to the important part later.

Then, I wrote the post above because I had found out that my auntie has breast cancer. Again, I was devestated. I spent the next few days pissed off at the world and curled up in a little ball crying or sleeping. We talked about it a little bit but not very much. In fact my grandma had asked her why I hadn't talked to her about it yet.

That's my point here. I didn't internalize it until two weeks ago. I didn't realize that this was real and they could both leave me at any time. I was on my way to work talking to my grandma on the phone when we started to talk about Maple Leaf (the fall festival we have around here). I told her I was off for the whole weekend and she was excited because that meant Tea, Auntie, and I could spend the weekend together. Then she said something I really haven't thought of. My aunt and her were talking and she had told my grandma that she had to come home for Maple Leaf because her and Teag have a tradition to go together every year...and next year she may not be able to do that.

It had never really sunken in that the two people closest to me could be taken from me at anytime. I realized they could lose their hard battles, but I didn't really let it sink in. And that day I finally let it.
I'm so scared of that. I love those two people more than I love myself. If they were gone I don't know what I would do. And I don't really want to talk about it because I don't want to be upset. I don't know if that makes me a brat or if that's normal. I haven't really talked about it with either of them. How do you say to somebody "Oh, if you die I'll miss you so much and I'll never get over it and I don't know how to live without you."? That's just morbid.

Another thing, I don't deal with death of those close to me very well. I still get drunk and cry about Chelsey. I still think of her in every way and miss her like crazy. The 27th of September marked 9 months that she had been gone.

And last week's depression was set off by the whole conversation with my grandma two weeks ago. I had let it sit and marinate in my head for so long without talking about it. I began to feel bogged down and cloudy and so sad. I still don't want to talk about it but I can't feel depressed forever. I just don't know what words to say. Except what will I do and I'll miss them. Why can't anything else just come out of my brain besides that. The only thing that seems appropriate is to keep it in mind and just talk to myself about it. Sometimes I feel that I got shit on by the higher powers that be. And most of the time I feel like my lovely ladies definitely got shit on. They both have so much that they're dealing with on top of this tretorous disease and I don't understand why them. And they aren't just dealing with everyday life stuff...it's huge things that move mountains and could hurt anybody. It's not my place to put it out there...but then again neither was this whole post. Maybe that's why I don't talk about it. It's not mine to talk about??? I don't really know. I just know that this sucks. It sucks for them, it sucks for me, it sucks for friends, family...it just sucks.

 

That's a genuine smile. I love that girl.

 

 

Auntie =) She planned my whole 21rst bday party for me. Love her more than words

could ever explain.

I Waste my Money at Target

I had one of the most relaxin weekends in what feels like all of eternity. And it was great. I hope your weekend rocked as much as mine. I have lots of pictures to share! Maybe picture overload. Just maybe.

 

I was gonna write all about it in nice paragraph form but that ish way wayyyyy to long. So I figured bulletins would be the best way to go!

 

Here we go

 

Friday I worked. No bulletin for that because who really cares? It was a good night though. Probably because I knew I was off on Saturday.

 

Saturday was relax day. Seriously. It was wonderful because I didn't do anything I didn't want to do.

I did some homework that was actually a pain in the ass.

I finished 50 Shades Darker. It wasn't as good as 50 Shades of Grey at the beginning, but the further along I got, the better it got. And Christian Grey...I just want to talk about this man for a minute. He is so sweet and loving. Ugh. I have a love/hate relationship with him because of it. Like, guys don't act like that. It's the ultimate man manual. They want to know what a woman wants...here ya go dude. Like fo' cereal.

I know I told you guys about the wedding but we didn't get to go. =(. See, it was boyfriend's boss's wedding and he scheduled it during work hours. Even though boyfriend got the okay to leave early he couldn't. His co-manager's baby was running a really high temperature so he had to leave which is ok and boyfriend stayed.

But he made up for it ;). haha. He took me to one of our favorite restaurants, Mucho Mexico. It was good and when we left he treated me to a good Saturday night.

 

Yep, some bubly and m&m's!

The HUGE bottle of Dew is his. Yeah...

 

And I was drinking some of my wonderful wine...I see this

 

 

There's something floating in it! It's hard to tell where I circled...top of the glass

almost. It disgusted me. But what was I to do? Throw our perfectly good wine...

drink it anyway...well I fished that bish out with my fingers! Yep. Stuck

my hand in my glass just for a floaty speck. I chased it all around the glass.

 

That was Saturday. I passed out early...thanks a lot wine. Way to help a girl out.

 

Since I passed out like a puss Saturday, I woke up at the ass crack of dawn on Sunday.

Ok, it was like 8, but too damn early for a Sunday.

And I did what any girl would do...

I layed there and convinced myself I needed Starbucks and Target.

 

Here's my haul!

 

elf lip color it's a nude.

I've been looking for one and unfortunately this one didn't cut it either. =(

 

 

elf lip balm in strawberry creme.

I love it! I was acutally looking for say yes to carrots lip balm but they don't

carry the lip balm. Just everything else by that brand.

This is so far so good though.

 

 

 

I love hats! It's a cure for the bad hair day or I don't want to do my hair day.

And I don't have to have a pony tail.

This was just too cute to pass up!

I have a small head, it's in the girl's section.

 

 

 

And one more thing to get me organized...

I have yet to use it.

It's an expense tracker.

That I bought when I was spending...

Ironic much.

 

But seriously the Mead Organizeher stuff is brilliant! Can't wait to check it out online.

I'm off today and plan to use this just so you know.

 

And I did something kinda bad...

don't you go tell boyfriend...

and dad just save it. lol. I already know what you're gonna say..

I got a Target card. EEEKKKK! But I already paid it off.

And the limit is absolutley ridiculous.

I'm not even gonna tell you because I can't believe it myself.

 

 

 

 

And then there's Starbucks. See, I don't enjoy coffee. It's gross.

I'm a Redbull girl through and through.

But sometimes I want to be cool and have starbucks.

So after shopping I went and had a caramel apple spice drink.

OMG. It was heavenly. I was more in the mood for an apple cider drink

but this was the closest I could come. It was so sweet it made my stomach hurt.

It was just so good though.

 

Oh yeah, and I got this...

 

 

Since I finished the second one on Saturday I needed this when I woke up Sunday.

It's what I went to Target for.

Except they didn't have it so I bought all the other stuff instead.

That damn Target.

I read like 3 pages while I was at Starbucks...that's it. lol.

Had to have it and haven't even really started it. Sounds like me.

 

 

Ok, so maybe it wasn't picture overload but it was alot for me. Hope y'all had a wonderful weekend.

And here's to basically the best month ever...

 

 

 

 

 



Source: rebellious-teens.tumblr.com via Chloé on Pinterest

I'm just so excited! Maple Leaf, Halloween, leafs turning colors, cooler weather,

my favorite!

 

 

And one more thing...those buttons over there...yeah I started doing a couple swaps.

I don't feel that I'm big enough or whatever to sell my button but I will trade.

I only want to do 3 or 4 right now.

And those girls rock! I love both their blogs.

Check it out =)

 

I'm linking up with

 



How About Some Letters

I took a break yesterday. I just am in a funk and I can't get out of it. It's irritating me. I don't know what the problem is. Anyway...how about some letters


Dear Wife, OMG I love you. I've been thinking a lot about everything that's going on in my world and I'm so glad that I have you here. I know that things could change at any given moment so I'm enjoying every minute we get together. **more on this in another post**

Dear Self, you think this is where the depression sets in after the mania? Because we've been happy all week but starting yesterday night it's slowly dwindling. Pep it up girl. And you've lost a couple pounds so cheer up buttercup!

Dear Readers, thanks for the uplifting comments from the few of you. It means a lot. If I haven't gotten back to you yet, I'm really sorry. I'll get there. Promise. Stick by me through my blogging funk please. I'll try to be as entertaining as I can.

Dear Boyfriend, I love you. I did miss you today. I already have your anniversary present picked out. Booom! I'm excited.

Dear Auntie, sigh. I know we're going through the same feelings right now. And again, I know that things could change at any given moment. Love you. Just know that.

Dear Saturday, I'm ready for you. I'm ready for your day off on the weekend. That excites me. Plus a wedding...free food, booze, and endless love? Yes please!

And last but not least, Dear Sweet Sweet Friday, I'm glad you're here! It's payday, and getting paid every week is pretty effing cool. Too bad the check is all gone. Effing car. But thanks for your arrival. Glad to see ya!

Source: hannasroom.com via Ideas to on Pinterest

Losing It.

Is my blog getting stale?

I think I worry about that too much. Blah. That's how I feel today - about blogging. I just can't get into it right now and that breaks my little heart. I really need to start writing down my post ideas when I get them because I don't ever remember and have nothing to write about. Wahhhh. And it's not just my blog suffering. My pinterest is suffering too!!! *GASP* I never thought that would happen.

Anyway...enough about that. Yesterday I posted the pay it forward challenge and didn't have anybody comment saying they wanted to do it...so I'm still anxiously awaiting 3 of you fabulous people to hit me up. lol. I want to make some bloggy friends and I thought this was a great way to do it.

So I've been all up in the air with work and school. I think I might lose my mind. I can't seem to remember any of my coworkers names when I need to...That's an issue. lol. I'll ask the customers to follow them to their seats but all I can ever get out is "... will take you to your seats." And I kind look in the direction of the girl. lol. And I keep mixing up my lunches/dinners/nights. I'll tell somebody to have a wonderful lunch and it will be dinner. Or the other way around. Sometimes instead of have a wonderful dinner I'll say have a wonderful night. It's getting kind of irritating. I just want to reach inside my brain and tell it to get it's shit together like now. I don't mind looking like a ditz in front of my friends but at work...Hell to the NO!

How I feel lately. lol.

Source: natashaburns.blogspot.com via Tena on Pinterest



Hahaha

Source: google.com via Angela on Pinterest

       

That's all for today. And I'll remind you again...Pay if Forward Challenge!  I'll send out some goodies to the first three people that say they're interested in the comments! Check out the link for the rules and stuff! Or just look at my last post. Hope to see ya soon!

The Time I Had A Lot to Say

Yo yo yo what's up what's up???

Hahaha. That's a great attempt on my part at being kinda whatever that is. It's also from Bring it On. I may be the only person who's watched that movie so many times they know that but it's ok!

We've got a lot to talk about today. I was gonna post yesterday but I just couldn't get a couple things out of my head. And I didn't wanna start out the week with kind of a sad post so that will have to wait. But great things are happening over here. Maybe. I think.

First things first...My Weekend.

Boyfriend and I went and hung out with a few friends on Saturday night. We went to his best friend's new place and then an a bonfire after that. I didn't take a lot of pictures but I got a couple cute ones.

 

Boyfriend and I.

I don't get a lot of pictures of him so this really made me happy.

Unfortunately it's not so flattering for my face or neck. UGH.

And the front camera on iPhones suck.

 

 

Yay budlight...boo Chiefs!

I'm so disappointed to be living in Missouri right now.

Kansas City is an awesome city.

But I seriously really dislike their team.

And every budlight can around Missouri seems to be the Chiefs.

I might just have to drive to Texas.

Yes, it's that hardcore this season.

Blame boyfriend's fantasy teams. Yes, there's an s on the end. More than one.

Kinda ridiculous, but so damn fun!

 

 

 

And then it was time to eat. And no, I didn't munch out on all those cookies by myself.

In fact I was thinking of eating better so I only had two.

I don't really know what a portion size of these is, but you can't have just one!

Omg these cookies are the best!

 

The bonfire was outside so I didn't take any pictures.

It was at our friends' house that we hadn't seen in awhile.

It was nice crazy. But great!

 

That was my weekend other than working. Oh and boyfriend and I got to go out to eat.

It was like the first time in months we got to go out together at a normal time.

I love our conflicting work schedules.

They're so awesome.

 

I got my first Birchbox this month. I'm excited to try it. Although this month wasn't very great for me. It was based on fashion and I'm just not into fashion. But I'm still loving the idea of getting stuff every month. Here's what I got this month.

 

 





 

Starting on the left

- boscia B.B. Cream.

- Birchbox and Color club Custom collection nail polish

in insta this.

- Sedu® Anti-Frizz Polishing Treatment with Pure Moroccan Argan Oil

- Twistband hair tie

- Juicy Couture Viva La Juicy La Fleur perfume

 

- not pictured is a tilibag.

 

I wasn't fond of the bag and gave it to my daughter. That nail polish is interesting. lol.

I am excited to try the B.B. cream. I've wanted one of these but I never went to buy one.

Hopefully the anti-frizz treatment works. I'm excited to try that too!!

And the hair tie is adorable! I need to practice different ways to tie it though.

That way it always looks different!

I don't know much about the perfume but I'll give it a chance.

 

I was reading Tiffanie's blog Life With The Little Man this morning and she's doing a blog challenge called Pay it Forward. Here's how it works.

 

The first three people that comment on this post will get a gift from me within the next month (before I move!). All you have to do is follow the rules below.

1. Within a month, I will create something unique to share with the first 3 people that comment on this specific post.
2. ...but, in order for your present to arrive, you must play along. Spread the love on YOUR own blog promising to send a little something special to the first three that comment on your post.
3. You get 72 hours (that's 3 days) to re-post this SAME post, or I'll have to move on to the next person.
4. PLEASE, only comment if you are willing to pay it forward.

 

So now I'm doing this challenge because I was one of the three to comment.

I love the movie Pay it Forward. I love the idea of paying things forward. It's

great. So the rules are up there! I'm excited for three people to comment. I love

sending things to bloggers!

 

So if you're interested, comment away. Please leave the following in the comment!

 

Name
Blog address
E-mail address
Something about you to let me get to know you better! Could be your fav color, your fav season, favorite food, how many pets you have, how many kids you have, what you do for a living, anything! PS. You can leave more than one thing ;)

Yay!!!

 

Oh yeah, remember the picture of the week last week and how I said I would get interesting searches from it. Well, I thought I would but I didn't. What I did get was an interesting search about "My Ass Is Huge!" I'm really embarrassed by it. But it's kinda funny. I won't post it on here but if you wanna know leave a comment!

 

I'm thinking maybe I want to do a couple of button swaps this month. I'm definietly not going to charge for them. I just don't know how to get them on my sidebar. I need help please!

And I need a new blog design. Any suggestions? I love mine but I'm ready for something else. I know absolutely nothing about code or HTML and I don't really care to know. =)

 

 

Hopefully this is all the catching up I need to do! Have a great week y'all!

It's Not What You Think

We made it to Friday!!!!!

I wanted to post today but I don't really have a lot of time to do so. I have a billion things to write about but they all require time also. I was gonna do a link up but I've done two of those this week. What's a girl that wants to rest before work to do? Well....I'll leave you with this.

Source: Uploaded by user via Stacy on Pinterest

It's a puppy....jeez guys!

 

And now my blog might really have some interesting searches on Monday.

 

See ya then. Have a fabulous weekend and drink too much for me!

When I Grow Up!

It's Thursday...that means that it's time to link up with Kristen for Inspire Me Healthy/Dream Job today.

 

It took me forever to think of a dream job. I tried and tried as soon as they announced what the topic was gonna be. I even read other people's to see if I liked their jobs. Nothing really struck me as a dream job. I'm not one of those people who's known their whole lives what they want to be when they grow up. It kinda sucks but what can you do. A job is most likely for life and that's a big decision to make right? lol. But as I was thinking of it this morning I realized...my dream job is the same thing it was when I was a kindergartener many years ago. You know how in kindergarten they always ask the kids what they want to be when they grow up and publish it in the newspaper? Ok, maybe they don't do that everywhere but they do it here. And I remember clear as day what I wanted to do.

 

 

Yep, I want to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.

For 16 years I've wanted this.

It's never gone away.

Unfortunately for me, I'm not tall enough.

 

But that's my dream job. I admire those girls and everything they do. I'm sure

some of you are laughing your asses off and that's ok because

I am too. lol. My dad is probably getting a kick out of this.

Some things just never change.

 

And I realize that most of these girls have other jobs but if I were a DCC I wouldn't.

I would devote everything to it! lol.

I wonder if they need a watergirl???

 

Well, dream job is out of the way. I guess that leaves my progress on Inspire Me: Healthy. I lost alllll kinds of weight....is what I wish I could tell you guys. Nope, nothing. Remember when I said I wouldn't get mad at myself for backsliding...well....I didn't get mad at myself.

 

I woke up Friday feeling like complete shit. See here. So there was no way I was gonna get my workout on. Nope. Not happening. But I did eat good. I don't mean healthy but my portions were right and I didn't snack all day. But then I went to work. And the only thing that made me feel better and be able to get through the night was Dr. Pepper. Yep, soda. Couldn't cut it out. And the weekend...well she was a bitch and I gave in and ate some really terrible stuff but OMG it tasted so good. I love you Taco Bell. And from there on out it was bad decision after bad decision. But I NEVER had a breadstick from work. It's been a full week and I haven't done it! I am very proud of myself for that. So here's to new beginnings...and starting over. =)

 



 

 

I'm gonna go find something to eat now!